Finding the Way Back to My True Self
Working a traditional physical job is my nightmare. Running in a rat race never felt right for me. It made me feel tired, stressed, in pain, and anxious all the time. It felt like I was living someone else’s life instead of my own.
I had no time for myself. As a highly introverted person, I need time to be alone. I had no time for my family and friends. No time to live my life.
It felt like life was passing me by. The anger and desperation grow every day inside me.
Eat, work, sleep, repeat.
The paycheck was so low that after two days of receiving a paycheck, I was left without any money. I had to borrow to survive till the next paycheck.
As a side hustle, I repaired computers, installed new operating systems, and made websites for local businesses. I couldn’t see the way out of this “sleep to be able to work” lifestyle. The stress and overwhelm slowly killed my soul.
The pressure they put on us workers to be fast and accurate was never meant for an introvert like me. I value thoughtfulness and depth. I dislike rushing. Working with people unimaginably sucked out my energy.
The worst of all is that I hated those jobs, and my humour let me down. It lacked meaning. It was far away from the things that interested me. I had a feeling that what I was doing had no value.
I had to force myself to show up for work daily. It was pure survival on a hard way, and even my mind was in survival mode.
I changed more workplaces than some people change their underwear. They were all the same: arrogant bosses who expected us to thrive under stress. Work together with colleagues who have a dog-eat-dog mentality. My heart and soul were ripped into a million pieces because I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Then came the realization that the little money they paid wasn’t motivating me anymore. With or without a traditional so-called secure job, I did not have enough money.
One morning, after a lot of sleepless nights and overthinking, I knew I could not keep doing this to myself anymore. I quit the job even at the price of being left broke and deep in debt.
I knew that if I stayed in the rat race, it would destroy my mental and physical health.
My soul was filled with the opportunity to take my life back, my heart with hope to make a living my own way, and my mind with fear from uncertainty.
Sometimes our mind can become our greatest enemy. Our mind is listening to others’ perspectives, opinions, and negative feedback. Our mind processes them as if they know us at all or can see the future for us.
This creates fear and doubt without questioning the truth in those prophecies. Instead, we doubt ourselves and our decisions.
The first four months of unemployment were damn hard until I stopped trusting others and started learning to trust myself. It was full of pain, anxiety, overthinking, stress, and self-doubt.
I was anything but gentle and loving toward myself. I wanted all the changes and results fast, all at once.
In the meantime, I took numerous courses, read books, blogs, and watched YouTube videos. Looking for ways to get back to happy, content, creative, and productive. With the hope of finding the answer to all my doubts and questions.
I finally found it in myself when I calmed down.
All I needed was silence and to rest enough to feel calm and peaceful.
All I needed was silence and to rest enough to feel calm and peaceful.
To cut off the noise, filter out everything that wasn’t my own thought and action. All the expectations and opinions of others, together with the manipulation I received from my environment and society.
All those things were taking me on a path to forget and betray my authentic self – the one who was born knowing why I am here on earth.
The one who started drawing very early, when I was just 2 years old, and drew everything in an upside-down view. The one who was an artist from the inside but lost his way growing up, because listening to and following the crowd was easier than thinking for myself. Brainwashed by society. Acting like a sheep.
Finally, I started to be gentle and loving with myself. Accepted myself just the way I am. Observing my thoughts and actions.
Learned to trust my intuition and cut out the noise of this loud world.
I have my own wisdom; there is no need to listen to anyone else.
I don’t want to fit in with the crowd again.
I don’t want to lose myself in a demanding, loud, and fast world that rewards speed and materialism.
I don’t want to betray myself for the sake of getting more.
Maybe I don’t need more – Maybe I need less.
Less stress, less rushing, and less distraction.
I want to live true to myself and be who I was born to be – an imperfectly perfect introverted artist and human.
“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” – Dr. Seuss
Take care, believe in yourself.
Aki
